call me pasturescott

20 Questions That Might Just Save Your Marriage

I love feedback on my blog. Running into those I see in my community who bring up a recent post, the comments that always enlarge and enlighten the conversation, the links to certain articles I’ve published that friends add to their social media platforms, the stats of my regular daily readers and the faraway countries from which visitors drop by, etc.

There’s also been some feedback of another kind I’ve recently encountered. Not long ago my post challenged anybody who’s close to striking a match to their marriage by committing adultery to email me. I offered help or direction before it’s too late and many people get unnecessarily burned by one act of marital attrition.

Turns out someone was paying attention. I got a sparsely worded email asking if I’m the guy who wrote the ‘contemplating an affair’ article and could I help. That’s how they put it: “help.”

The very general backstory (to respect their privacy) is they’ve been married for a good while, have younger children, have a spouse who truly cares and an overall to-be-envied life. Trouble is, they married young, are being propositioned at work by fellow staff who evidently have no compunction about cheating, and fantasize too regularly what it might be like to be with another.

We’ve emailed back-and-forth a few times, I sent a copy of Francis Chan’s marriage book, “You and Me Forever” to their work address, and now I’m praying for them to stay the course (there is a relationship with Christ) and avoid any rash behaviors. Thankfully they are taking this counsel strongly to heart. So far.

When I asked this person if they’ve had a romantic dinner date recently, they responded they can’t remember when. And when they do dine out they just stare at each other. The space is colluded with a vacuum of non-conversation.

To which I then asked if I might offer some relatable questions to use at their next date night (they have a scheduled getaway in a few days) that can keep the conversation fluid and which, if offered tenderly and with the promise of it being safe for the other to be honest, will pick past the surface callouses and scabs and find a more intimate and truthful level of relating…and certain healing.

I encouraged them, “let’s at least START here…” And they agreed – with some measure of hope.

So we’ll see what we shall see…

Your marriage might not be on the verge of a blow-up or teetering toward adultery, but I think these questions can be helpful to any partnership that may have some tenure and possibly gone stale. Or –ish.

To that end, I lovingly offer you the same 20 questions I left with this thin-ice-cracking spouse desperately scrambling for more solid footing.

I pray your marriage is restored to its First Love. And if I can help, my email is open to you also.

Try asking your mate:

If I could spend 24 uninterrupted, dedicated hours doing anything in the world with you, it would be …
If we did the whole proposal thing all over again, how would you envision it?
When we fell in love, my favorite thing about you back then was …
I feel you love me the most when you …
My greatest need right now as a woman/man is to …
My favorite memory of our wedding day is …
I like it best when you refer to me as …
What is your favorite part of being married to me?
I wish I had learned to …
If I had a choice to change anything about myself overnight, I think I’d start with …
What makes you the saddest about our marriage? The happiest?
How can I make it easier for you to lead our family/to lead you more lovingly?
When do you need my assurances I love you and would marry you all over again?
What are some things we might do differently to pick up the pace (get out of rut, break up routine, sameness, staleness) of our marriage? (Come up with 3 solid ideas)
What concerns do you have that you think I’m not interested in or that you might be afraid to bring up?
If you could bring up any subject knowing that I would listen and not judge you or lose it, what would you want to say? (This requires your promise to allow them space to answer safely)
What are some of the things I do that irritate you?
Are there any unfulfilled dreams or unfinished goals in your life? What can I do to help you make them happen?
What do you see as strengths in our marriage? Weaknesses?
Are you fulfilled in our marriage?

Things I’d Say to a Teen-age Boy

TO: A young son in the faith
FOR: Introduction to manhood*
RE: My ’50-sense’ worth

Dear young man:

it is manly, healing and cleansing to cry
shake hands firmly while looking your counterpart in the eye
learn and remember names; the most beautiful sound a person hears is their own name being said back to them
write thank you notes for every good done to you, big or small; phone calls work also
hold doors for girls, and, oh heck, for everyone else why not?
never tell a girl “I love you” until you have clearance from the Lord she’s the one
seek the Lord’s counsel FIRST when you’re confused or doubtful on a matter; save others’ input until after you’ve sat a spell before Christ
live everyday so as to have a testimony of what the Lord has done for you/means to you
begin and end your day with prayers of thanks, even if you’re just breathing out a few words; ready thankfulness assures a revived heart daily
a young woman’s body is sacred; hands off; you must only view any female as Christ sees His bride
do something adventurous (outside your comfort zone) at least once a month; try something new regularly
take notes while you’re being given spiritual instruction; writing down the words is the quickest way to own them in your heart
keep a journal; if you only write a half a paragraph a day it’s worth it; write out a prayer once per week in your journal
stand out by taking care not to use foolish or vulgar words in your conversation; speak with integrity
may your word be trustworthy and honorable
if in doubt, don’t
learn to ask questions; it’s a sure-fire way to learn
choose your friends wisely; they must push you to grow in Christ; avoid unthankful, negative people; do not tolerate unkindness or arrogance
be an available friend, completely unselfish with your time and energy
show generosity to both God and your fellow man
volunteer regularly for ministries that bless the unfortunate
seek out a mentor (an older man) and let him walk out your faith with you (Dad, of course, but someone outside your family)
strive to learn something new from God’s Word every week
cultivate a desire to read; read a challenging book every six months (if not monthly)
return phone calls/texts promptly
be courteous to service staff in businesses and respectful to every adult
do not EVER harbor resentment or bitterness; get it dealt with quickly
be quick to say “I’m sorry” when you are at fault and never EVER tack a “but” onto the end of it
there’s no shame in trying; I say again: don’t be afraid to try new things; color outside the lines
you will fail, you will fall; expect at some point to be humiliated, but do not quit – it’s all part of learning the grace of maturity, so long as you don’t allow failures to define and/or hold you hostage
forgive QUICKLY when offended; do not make people have to jump through hoops for them to feel accepted with you once again
self-pride is an ugly wardrobe; think and act and respond in humility
share your faith with someone outside the faith every chance the Lord opens up a door of opportunity
read a classic at least once per year (your folks can help you identify some of the classics)
stand up for a weaker brother who needs defending, but turn the cheek when you are a victim (unless your life is in danger)
take a monthly sabbath alone with the Lord: a day, an overnight in the backyard, an afternoon; let it be a time for you to worship the Lord and renew your salvation
spend as much time in nature as you can
be on time; show up 5 minutes early to appointments
if employed, give reason for your boss to be impressed
eat well and healthy in your youth – you wouldn’t believe how it all catches up in your later years, and you want to be healthy for the Master until your days run out
pick up after yourself; don’t make someone have to remind you or, worse, go behind you cleaning up your messes
welcome suffering and hardship; praise God and trust His heart; there’s no holiness without hardship
don’t borrow your parent’s faith; lay claim to your own and live it passionately and with integrity
don’t try to be someone you’re not; find out WHO you are and know WHOSE you are and live out of that
treat young ladies with same respect you’d expect someone to treat your sister or your Mom
learn the basics of car maintenance
laugh five times a day
don’t use social media to post personal drama and don’t broadcast your entire life on FB and Instagram; leave some mystery and sacred space for your life
find something to like in everyone; don’t write anyone off – for ANY reason (doesn’t mean you have to be best friends, but show grace to everyone)
don’t waste your life; pursue Christ with every fiber, muscle and molecule of your being

That’s it.
Proud of you, young man.
Now, go have an amazing manhood!

For Christ and Kingdom,
Pasture Scott

* A friend recently asked me (and others) to offer some sage counsel to his twin boys, turning 13. Dad was taking them on a ‘manhood’ outing and wanted other men of influence to speak life into them via the written word. I’ve retooled what I shared with his boys for this post.

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Son

Spring, 2013

The sun is warming up the day, and my boy sits next to me in our aging van. He’s chattering away like a child on Christmas morning as we bounce along Sweetwater Road. He keeps looking at the piece of paper he holds on his lap, almost reverently, then smiles out the window. I can see the reflection of his delight in the glass. Then I feel him looking at me, studying me. His smile fades.

I’ve been sullen as he’s jibbered away, unresponsive, except for a forced smile here and there along the way. He knows it’s fake. My child reads me like a book.

“Why can’t you just be happy for me, Dad?” he challenges.

He’s now fairly crumpled the paper in his unstrained fist and waving it in my face, but not disrespectfully. He doesn’t want a fight, not today of all days, heavens, and Lord knows neither do I.

“You want to know, Graham, why I’m not thrilled with this news?” I reply. “Truly?”

He doesn’t respond because he already knows.

The folded sheet in his hand is the news our son’s been waiting for. It’s an official letter from his probation office telling him he’s been cleared to move out of Georgia, that he’s to report to his new probation officer in Minnesota by such-and-such a day. Such-and-such a day was too close for my heart to accept, and so, as we took our backway home, I simply couldn’t rejoice with him. His take was I was peeing on his parade.

Perhaps I was.

“Graham,” I continued, attempting to avoid any tone of argumentativeness, “your Mom and I are sad because we may never see you again –“

He stopped me right there.

“But I’ll come back!” he offered. “Birthday, Christmas, whatever…it’s not forever, Dad.”

I pressed in a bit more.

“Son, I’m just not sure it’s necessary for you to move away for you to be safe from drugs. You know as well as I do, they’ll find you wherever you go…”

He sat back and fixed a frustrated glare straight ahead and was silent for a couple ticks. He knew he wouldn’t change my mind. When he looked back at me, there were tears.

“Dad, you just don’t know how bad it is! I can’t stay here, don’t you see? If I don’t get out of Atlanta I’ll die!”

I didn’t know it at the time but this would be one of our final face-to-face, father-son conversations. As we approached the stop sign to turn left onto Lee Road, I told him whatever happens we loved him, and I ended our painful discussion by telling Graham, “We won’t stand in your way, son; and we won’t make this hard for you. If this is what you feel you have to do, we support you.”

I pushed down on the turn signal to go into the turn.

Ironically, a half-mile back, on Graham’s side of the van, we had just passed the very cemetery we’d lay his body to rest – nine months hence – in a cold, driving rainstorm, two days before Christmas.

▪️ ▪️ ▪️ ▪️

Fall, 2015

Today Graham Scott would be 26, making it his second birthday in heaven.

🎉🎈🎂Happy birthday in heaven, son! 🎉🎈🎂

It’s not been a good day down here, however. I don’t think it’s about our son’s passing or not being here, necessarily. It seems it’s just life stuff. Bad days are rare for me. I mean ra-are. But I have them. Today seems to be one. I was outside earlier where and when I meet with the Lord each day, but I wasn’t feeling it.

Being in nature, listening to its distinctive rhythms, watching it unfold and spread its beauty usually does it for me. But today, silence. Birds weren’t showing themselves. Butterflies were too neurotic and preoccupied to light. Gnats and mosquitos wouldn’t stop pestering, and flies were trying to drown in my coffee. My prayers, often so easy and fluid, were limply waving at glory and getting no response.

And the Word. Why, the sure-fire solution to what ails me, kind of plopped like soggy corn flakes on my soul.

What gives, God?

My daily reading told me to read John 1 and 2, and I do what I’m told for the most part. Now, those two chapters are dynamite on steroids any other time. I mean, Jesus coming with grace and truth, grace following grace, taking away the sin of the world? C’mon. That’s the sweet spot for sure.

But today, nothing. Soggy corn flakes.

Then it happened.

Look again, Scott.

I do what I’m told, remember?

Instinctively, I knew where to look. No, not in the scriptures I just read, but to my daily reading schedule. Horror of horrors, I misread my assignment!

It didn’t say,

Jhn 1,2

It said,

Jnh 1,2

I switched the H!

I was supposed to let Father speak to me from Jonah! Not John! (No offense, John)

Okay, I thought, now we’re getting somewhere. I pretty much hurried through chapter one, excitement slowly mounting. It began to ebb a trifle when I finished, untouched yet, but I still had one more chapter to read. It wasn’t a long chapter, however.

God, please say what You’re gonna say in these 10 verses, or today’s gonna have to be chalked off. Please. Speak.

And, boy howdy, did He ever.

You know Jonah. His rebellion, his long run, his far fall. You also know chapter 2 becomes autobiographical; it’s not background or third-party perspective. We’re hearing from the man himself, and he’s describing for us what might very well be his last moments on earth, in the depths of the ocean, in the stomach of a great fish.

Now, may I insert here that I’m completely convinced and at peace – no doubting – that our Gra-Gra is with Jesus. Except for a dream of Graham screaming from the pit of hell a couple days after his death (quickly shaken off; God doesn’t use fear tactics on His broken-hearted children), I’ve swum in the grace-ocean of peace that he’s with His Savior in glory. Sandy too. This is an entirely settled matter for us.

Having said that, it sure was awesome to have God give me a first-hand glimpse into what might have been Graham’s dying moments on earth. Read these words and see if they might not also apply to someone at death’s door, swallowed in the foul waters of overdose, receiving the mercies of Jesus to cry out,

REMEMBER ME, LORD!!

Jonah 2:3-7
…the flood surrounded me;
all your waves and your billows
passed over me.
Then I said, ‘I am driven away
from your sight;
yet I shall again look
upon your holy temple.’
The waters closed in over me to take my life;
the deep surrounded me;
weeds were wrapped about my head
at the roots of the mountains.
I went down to the land
whose bars closed upon me forever;
yet you brought up my life from the pit,
O Lord my God.
When my life was fainting away,
I remembered the Lord,
and my prayer came to you,
into your holy temple.

Was Graham right to move from his only home? I don’t have an answer for that, but I know I can’t question God and I don’t want to second-guess my boy.

All I know is, he’s not in that cemetery we both passed by, and where Sandy and I make a regular stop to ‘talk’ to him. He really is home. He made it. God remembered him in his dying hour.

Happy birthday in heaven, son.

And say thanks to Jonah.