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And these are from The Sacred Sandwich:

Unable to afford a new cutting-edge minister, Riverside Fellowship was forced to temporarily interrupt the sermon while cable technician Earl Schlub converted their old pastor from analog to digital.

Concerned with the possibility of easy-witchism, the girls wonder why Esmeralda
shows up once a year for the halloween Tea Party but can’t seem to make it to the
weekly spell-casting meetings.

Peggy couldn’t be sure, but she had a funny feeling
that Bob and his son had become Hyper-Calvinists.

Not wanting to get left behind, the Tim LaHaye Drill Team
practice their rapture skills every morning before breakfast.

With the implementation of assigned seating, the elders at
Redstone Baptist Church finally began to pinpoint the wheat
and the tares.

As demonstrated above, the “Heresy Avoidance
Technique” is useful in filtering out Mormons,
Jehovah’s Witnesses and lame church bands

KIDS CAN SAY…

(WELL, YOU KNOW THE REST)

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

One boy, the oldest among his siblings, responded, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

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And Some Favorites From “Uncle Billy Watson” (one of Jan Karon’s beloved characters in the Mitford Series):

“A preacher died, don’t you know, an’ was a-waitin’ in line at th’ Pearly Gates. Ahead of ‘im is a feller in blue jeans, a leather jacket an’ a tattoo on ‘is arm. Saint Pete says to the feller with th’ tattoo, says, ‘Who are you, so I’ll know whether t’ let you in th’ Kingdom of Heaven?’

Feller says, ‘I’m Tom Such ‘n Such, I drove a taxi cab in New York City.’

Saint Pete looks at th’ list, says, ‘Take this silk robe an’ gold staff an’ enter the Kingdom of Heaven!’ Then he hollers, ‘Next!’

Th’ Preacher steps up, sticks out ‘is chest, says, ‘I’m th’ Rev’rend Jimmy Lee Tapscott, pastor of First Baptist Church f’r forty-three years.’

Saint Pete looks at ‘is list, don’t you know, says, ‘Take this flour-sack robe an’ hick’ry stick an’ enter the Kingdom of Heaven.’

Preacher says, ‘Wait a dadjing minute! That man was a taxi cab driver an’ he gets  a silk robe an’ a gold staff?’

Saint Pete says, ‘When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.’”

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“Wellsir, three ol’ sisters was a-livin’ together, don’t you know. The least ‘un was 82, the middle-’un was 90-some, an’ the oldest way way on up in age. One day th’ oldest ‘un run a tub of water. She put one foot in th’ water, started a-thinkin’, hollered downstairs to ‘er sisters, said, ‘Am I a-gettin’ in the tub or out of th’ tub?’

The middle sisters, she started up th’ stairs to he’p out, don’t you know, then thought a minute. Yelled to ‘er baby sister, said, ‘Was I a-goin’ up th’ stairs or a-comin’ down?’

Th’ baby sister, she was settin’ in the kitchen, havin’ a cup of coffee, said, ‘Guess I’ll have t’go up yonder and he’p out…boys, I hope I never git that forgetful, knock on wood!’ Went t’ knockin’ on the table, don’t you know, then jumped up an’ hollered, ‘I’ll be there soon as I see who’s at th’ door!’”

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“Wellsir, they was two fellers a-workin’ on th’ sawmill. don’t you know, an’ th’ first ‘un got too close to th’ saw and cut ‘is ear off. Well, it fell in th’ sawdust pit an’ he was down there a-tryin’ to find it, don’t you know. Th’ other feller said, ‘What’re you a-doin’ down there?’ First ‘un said, ‘I cut m’ ear off an’ I’m a-lookin’ f’r it!’

Th’ other feller jumped in th’ pit, said, ‘I’ll he’p you!’ Got down on ‘is hands an’ knees, went to lookin’ aroun’, hollered, ‘Here it is, I done found it!’

First feller, he took it an’ gave it th’ once-over, don’t you know, said, ‘Keep a-lookin’, mine had a pencil behind it!’”

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“Well, sir, a feller died who had lived a mighty sinful life, don’t you know. Th’ minute he got down t’ hell, he commenced t’ bossin’ around th’ imps an’ all, a-sayin’ do this, do that, an’ jump to it. Well sir, he got so dominatin’ that th’ little devils reported ‘im to th’ head devil who called th’ feller in, said, ‘How come you act like you won this place?’

Feller said, ‘I do own it. My wife gave it to me when I was livin’”

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Three Church board members sat and watched a telephone repairman working in front of the church. Within earshot of the repairman, they began to discuss the best postures for most effective praying.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.

“Not for me,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. He cupped his hands and shouted in their direction, “The best praying I ever did was hanging upside down on a telephone pole!”

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